It’s 12:44am on Easter Sunday and I feel the need to tell you about my night and what is going through my pudgy little brain.
Firstly, depression is fucked. There’s really no other way to put it. It’s truly and utterly fucked.
Not a nice little sprinkling of fucked, but a full size buffet of fucked.
So tonight I was at a well known establishment on the Gold Coast with some of my nearest and dearest, in what was supposed to be a great catch up with some friends up from Sydney who I haven’t seen in ages.
Instead, I sat there with massive poo face and all I wanted to do was cry.
I hated it. I hated myself. I should have been downing drinks, laughing and reminiscing with everyone else, but instead I was desperately trying to keep my emotions in check.
Now, if you peaked at my Instagram Stories, it would have looked like I was having a ball. But the truth on Instagram was different to the truth in real life.
Fighting the urge to cry just makes you want to cry more. I’m not a cryer at the best of times, so to be welling up over an espresso martini is definitely a sign for me that something is not right.
For those that don’t understand and might be new to depression or know someone going through it, there’s no rhyme or reason for the need to sob.
It just strikes out of nowhere.
I often refer to my depression as a “fog”. The simplest way to describe it is like a fog sweeping across a city skyline. It blankets the building and, for the most part, shuts down the city’s infrastructure. After a while, the fog lifts and life goes on as normal.
At least, that’s kind of how my depression effects me.
This is the longest spell of fogginess I’ve had for some time. I keep waiting for a breeze to blow in and sweep it away, because it’s hampering my ability to see how fortunate I really am for the things I have in my life
It’s hampering my ability to be me.
I count my lucky stars to have the support of those around me and am thankful to them for their continued patience and understanding.
I just never thought that at this age I would still be a work in progress..