Honesty Post: I’m Struggling Again

Christo
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It’s 12:44am on Easter Sunday and I feel the need to tell you about my night and what is going through my pudgy little brain.

Firstly, depression is fucked. There’s really no other way to put it. It’s truly and utterly fucked.

Not a nice little sprinkling of fucked, but a full size buffet of fucked.

So tonight I was at a well known establishment on the Gold Coast with some of my nearest and dearest, in what was supposed to be a great catch up with some friends up from Sydney who I haven’t seen in ages.

Instead, I sat there with massive poo face and all I wanted to do was cry.

I hated it. I hated myself. I should have been downing drinks, laughing and reminiscing with everyone else, but instead I was desperately trying to keep my emotions in check.

Now, if you peaked at my Instagram Stories, it would have looked like I was having a ball. But the truth on Instagram was different to the truth in real life.

Fighting the urge to cry just makes you want to cry more. I’m not a cryer at the best of times, so to be welling up over an espresso martini is definitely a sign for me that something is not right.

For those that don’t understand and might be new to depression or know someone going through it, there’s no rhyme or reason for the need to sob.

None.

It just strikes out of nowhere.

I often refer to my depression as a “fog”. The simplest way to describe it is like a fog sweeping across a city skyline. It blankets the building and, for the most part, shuts down the city’s infrastructure. After a while, the fog lifts and life goes on as normal.

At least, that’s kind of how my depression effects me.

This is the longest spell of fogginess I’ve had for some time. I keep waiting for a breeze to blow in and sweep it away, because it’s hampering my ability to see how fortunate I really am for the things I have in my life

It’s hampering my ability to be me.

I count my lucky stars to have the support of those around me and am thankful to them for their continued patience and understanding.

I just never thought that at this age I would still be a work in progress..

Christo.

6 Comments
  1. Avatar
    KB 8 months ago
    Reply

    I hear that, man. I find it strange too, to have such a wildly different experience than other people. My life feels quite surreal sometimes.

    The dark times truly suck, but remember there are better times in between.

    One of my fave quotes by Winston Churchill…..”when you’re going through hell, keep going”

  2. Christo
    Christo 8 months ago
    Reply

    Hey KB, Thanks for writing and checking out the site. I totally get the “surreal” part. The “better times” are what keeps me going because they far outweigh the dark times and make life worthwhile. Love the quote too.. may have to pinch that and pop it up on the site somewhere! Cheers, Christo

  3. Avatar
    CC 7 months ago
    Reply

    This is so important. Being a fog is the exact way I would describe it. It comes and goes on a whim with nothing and nobody to break through it. You struggle to keep your head above it and take a breath. Constantly wondering how long it will last this time and what could have possibly set it off, answers that never seem to come. Despite how fortunate we may be and how supportive those around us are, it’s something I feel we may always be battling within. One breath at a time, one step at a time, one day at a time.

    • Christo
      Christo 7 months ago
      Reply

      CC, thanks for your honesty! Keeping your head up is the hardest but the most important part of this whole struggle. I know how you feel with the trigger points, I can never tell what triggers it either. I love the “One breath” line! It’s so true!

  4. Avatar
    Al Mitchell 7 months ago
    Reply

    Hi Christo,

    I can totally relate to this mate , I had a bipolar day on Anzac day as per the post link below. ( 2 explosive episodes in one day) Now while I can handle things so much better (with self care practices) its the pain and torment that I put others through that I find the most difficult to live with. That feeling of remorse and guilt just doesn’t disappear overnight .

    Luckily for me I have so many supportive people around me for these moments and they completely understand what Im feeling and have the knowledge and tools of how to act and respond. Its usually just clear out give me space and I can get myself back to a happy place by myself .

    These also happen far less now which is a result of strong daily self care practices so along with my anxiety and depression moments things do get much better.

    Have a great day

    Al
    https://www.facebook.com/discoveringthebestyou/photos/a.105513793183059/429382710796164/?type=3&theater

  5. Avatar
    Chris (Forbesy) Forbes 7 months ago
    Reply

    Christo,
    Mate I totally relate. Sometimes I do cry eating dinner in front of kids, and that’s frustrating. I am lucky, like you to work with awesome people and understand what I am going through. Reading your story Christo made me want to jump through the phone and give ya a man hug. I am so glad (as I have said in previous posts) that you have started this chat, discussion and read and then private site. We need this, we hear your voice every morning and some of us can relate, and we know your normal we are normal. And we can now talk about it no matter what and not feel like we are being judged. It’s great and I hope this continues and lasts and we use this to help one another. It’s fucked but I know I can now chat when need be.

    Cheers Forbesy

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